This sentence has echoed in my head since early 2014 when I finished up a job. It was a temporary job, basically a personal assistant position that was really, mainly, a dog-walker job. It was a gig that was pre-set with an end date, filling in while a friend (who normally walks the pups) had an out of town gig of his own, and I took the job to inject my checking account with some much needed money. It was not a glamourous job by any stretch, but the boss seemed lovely and the work seemed easy, so I took it. And on my last day, my boss hugged me and said that to me. You have had a profound effect on our lives.
It got me thinking. Thinking about the end of relationships, of jobs, of periods of time and chapters in my life. What if I had ended those things with an expression of love, gratitude and well-wishes for the future instead of . . . well, what we normally do? When we break up with our partners, we delete all discernible traces of them from our contact lists, devices and social media sites, leaving them to exist only when we trash-talk him or her over cocktails. We steal whatever we can take on our last day of work, forwarding important contacts and deleting damning email messages. And god forbid a friendship ends . . . that destruction is full, complete and final.
I recently traveled to Chicago to direct a show I had worked on a few times (in a few cities, including New York) in the past. This show, however, is unique, because it is written and performed by my ex-boyfriend. I will never forget the deep honor and gratitude I felt when he first asked me to helm this project, particularly because our relationship had not ended well and our friendship, at that time, was relatively new and extremely fragile. I will also never forget the fear, trepidation, and warnings of several friends that this was a terrible idea, destined for disaster. I chose to ignore that advice (partly because it came from people who had relationships I less-than admired) and several years later, we (the ex and I) have not only a show we are proud of, but a friendship that I consider one of the most important in my life.
Why, when, how did we learn that the end of a relationship must be so violent and tragic? Who decided that time together coming to a close has to be treated only as the worst possible outcome of a partnership? Is there a good reason why a relationship that lasts five years, say, cannot have lasted exactly how long it should have lasted? And if that relationship changes in its nature, or label or conditions - is that not beautiful? Maybe, just maybe, a relationship can be perfect and temporary. My romantic relationship with my ex was far from ideal (for either of us), but out of that we now have a collaborative professional connection and an invaluably supportive friendship that came from that "failed" relationship . . . so was it not then, actually, a success? Was it not perfect?
I stay in touch with my former boss. I work with my ex. I spend hours on the phone with my first love from college. These relationships are vital and important parts of my life, but had I followed the advice and/or example of so many . . . I would have lost these people into the bitterness fueled only by fear. It makes me sad to think how many other wonderful people I have dropped (or who have dropped me) along the way.
Romantic partnership is a safety net, and a break-up yanks that security away, so staying connected is a terrifying reminder of ones own alone-ness. Past jobs represent a past, less successful, you, and you need to move on and move forward. I understand these things, conceptually, but did that past-you not help to get you to now-you?. I am not so sure I believe in the "close the door and walk away" mentality anymore because of so much evidence in my own life that perhaps it is not, universally, the healthiest choice. I think I would rather say thank you for the profound effect people have had on my life, and instead of putting the period on that sentence of our used-to-be relationship, I would rather use a question mark and ask, "So what's next?"
If you have had a profound effect on my life and I on yours, why should we not journey through the next chapter together, letting those profound changes help us to treat each other with respect, dignity and love?